2018

I expected 2018 to be a good year.  I was looking forward to having cataract surgery on my right eye which has had a cataract in it since birth.  I assumed that all would go well.  Unfortunately, even though my vision is nearly perfect in that eye now (close up) I had every complication that could have arose.  I had post capsular opacity (that's where the sac behind the lens gets cloudy), I had macular edema (where the retina becomes swollen) and an attack of uveitis (an inflammation in the back of my eye that causes pain, blurred vision and irritation and can lead to blindness - oh boy!).  On top of that I suffered severe anxiety (similar to PTSD).  I was nearly blind in that eye and suddenly everything became sharp and for me quite jarring along with the incredible light that was now able to be sent to the brain.  My surgeon said my brain would adapt and it has over time (8 months) but now I have to wean myself off the powerful anti-anxiety medication Lorazepam.  But the year is coming to an end and hopefully all of this eye problem. 

Putting that all aside, there are many positive things I take away from the experience.  I've grown as an artist (struggling to paint with all these things happening to my vision was not easy).  I "see" things a bit differently.  I've slowed down, I've tidied up my house, I've learn to stop and smell the roses and the grass and my kitty and the clean sheets and towels.  It's the little things that really matter, isn't it?  I may not have a big house, a fancy car or a lot of money but I have my health.  It's not great but it's good enough.

I think I've finally come to the conclusion that I am "good enough".  I always felt somehow lacking in many areas.  I never became a doctor, or a writer or a famous photographer.  But I have some friends, one best friend and I have nephews that I love dearly.  And now a grand niece and grand nephew.  I have a sister who is my constant critic but sometimes she does like stuff I paint or an image I submit to Facebook.  She's flawed and we don't always get along but I'm flawed too. 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this this morning but it's just there inside needing to come out.  I suppose that's what a writer does....they think of things and rather than just thinking, they write it down.  OMG if I did that we'd have volumes here instead of pages.  Nonethe less, it's Saturday and I want to put up my Christmas Tree.  I'm sad because I don't like doing it alone and I'm single and have never liked doing things alone but that what it always seems like what my life has been.  I've had a few boyfriends here and there but nothing lasting.  Even my marriage lasted only a few days in my heart. 

We'll there's only 2 more weeks left of 2018 and I'm not looking forward to 2019 as a year that will beat all years.  I just hope for a year of peacefulness, reasonably good health, enough income to put food on the table and a roof over my head.  Everything else is gravy.